Relationships

The Perfect Relationship is a Myth

Ever seen one of the Hollywood movies about a guy and girl falling in love? Of course you have, they call them a “Romantic Comedy”

When Harry Met Sally

How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days

Best Friends Wedding

Love Actually

Why is it a comedy?

Because if it weren’t – you would cry from the reality dose of painful awkwardness we all feel in our search for love.

It’s the same story line over and over. The desperate guy pursuing the pretty girl and fumbling with all the hurdles in between him and her to get noticed.

It makes us feel good, but is it good?

No, it sets us up for unrealistic expectations of how love is “supposed” to be, or rather, is sold to us: Guy meets girl, they connect, go on a date, breakup, come back together and before you know it, happily ever after while the movie credits roll, leaving you with tissue in hand.

It’s backwards. It’s not reality and it never happens this way.

There is no Perfect Relationship.

We go through phases, cycles and patterns emerge. Some are great, most of them need work and nearly every thing needs to be discussed, negotiated and finally, hopefully, you reach a liveable agreement.

Believing in the perfect partner or relationship, holding out hope that you’ll finally find love, sets you up for failure, pain and heartache, destined to repeat the cycle with person after person

It’s time to try a new way.

Trust me. You know I’m right and if you disagree, zip me an email and let’s discuss.

Being the Cool Guy or the Sexy Gal in a bar may work awesome for flirting, getting attention and make you feel great about yourself. You can hook up and have great sex, go on wonderful dates for companionship, travel and more…but it doesn’t work in a relationship.

Why?

Because you’re not open to the person in front of you.

You’re arriving to a person as a packaged version of yourself, full of ideas and techniques that worked at the bar (or said place of meeting) rather than being ready for exploration and negotiation with someone that could be an amazing partner.

“Make me feel good about myself” is the non-starter death to anything great.

Learning how to be impulsive, flexible and adapting to the person in front of us, a potential partner, is the soul gold of all relationships.

It’s work – but it doesn’t have to be hard.

Want to know the key of mastery?

Be Curious.

The One – the infamous soulmate you’re looking for to be your life partner, most likely, is very different than you probably think.

Yet you can’t see this because you’ve got your dating googles on of what YOU think is hot and sexy and will, here I say it again, “makes you feel good.”

There’s nothing wrong with that but, if your relationships don’t last past the honeymoon phase of 3-6 months, perhaps there’s a new solution for you to try.

Let’s begin by debunking the relationship myths that prevent relationship mastery:

MYTH #1: IT’S JUST THE TWO OF US.

Shocker alert!

Wrong!

When you marry (or seriously do life together), you’re marrying that person’s entire family along with your partner’s belief system of family structures and roles.

Then there’s the influence of your community, friends and massive belief systems about religion and politics.

Then there’s money, debt, savings and spending. The two biggest reason for divorce –  Money.

Now let’s talk about the biggest upheaval of all, the one thing that will turn your partner into your most trusted advocate or worst enemy.

Children.

A baby (or babies) is the ultimate test of a relationship, requiring rapid adjustment and complex navigation of an entirely new lifestyle.

MYTH #2: LOVE IS EASY IF YOU’RE WITH “THE ONE”:

Wrong!

Truth is that relationships are the ultimate testing ground for personal development.

Your partner = Your mirror.

Whatever you don’t like in him, if you look close enough, you don’t like in yourself.

But hey, it’s easier to see someone else’s faults than to look at your own right?

Some things do get easier, bringing you long sought after joy and happiness. But like all good things, the balancing of life’s beauty brings the yin and the yang, the good and the bad.

You finally have someone to share the joys and the successes, and you have someone to magnify like a spotlight all the character defects, insecurities and nuances that gnaw at virtues such as patience and kindness.

What a date found quirky and cute, your relationship finds mind numbingly annoying!

You get triggered. You become defensive. You argue and manipulate.

Why – because like all humans, you get scared. Your identity is at stake!

Your partner isn’t there to read your mind, bend to your whims and feed you bon bons while fanning you.

Your partner exists to grow you and mirror back everything, yes, all of it.

I know this is heavy.

Stay with me.

When you’re with the right one, you bond deepy and rely on each more, making you feel vulnerable. Stay in this space long enough, and effectively communicate how you feel to your partner, and intimacy will flourish.

MYTH #3: LOVE WILL MAKE YOU A BETTER PERSON

“You. You complete me.”

Name that movie!

I know…it’s one of my favorites too.

Fun to watch, but totally out of reality and not to mention, devastating to a relationship.

Two halves do NOT make a whole.

While being with the right person should fill you energetically, that’s not their job to be your energy station you get to pull up and fill up.

The truth is you will be better at some things, and similar to Myth #2, the dark stuff surfaces too.

The dragons you chased away over an Appletini with the girls, or a night shooting a game of pool with the fellas now has a spotlight on it.

Why?

Because you can’t escape the person. Sure you can put down your problems to enjoy your partner for an evening or season, but like any nagging splinter, it will ache and get really nasty until that little tiny piece of defect gets pushed to the surface.

You’re no longer in the driver’s seat. You are NOT the captain of your solo ship anymore.

Resentments fester. Insecurities rise. Reminders of abandonment and past betrayal issues are now right at the surface, no longer safely tucked away in the private journals of your therapist.

There is a way out.

Rally the troops. Tell your partner what’s happening with YOU (not them) and get some perspective from a therapist, coach, group or someone that HAS a successful relationship. Truthfully, that’s why I do what I do, because I’ve navigated all these myths and enjoy helping others with truly rewarding relationships.

MYTH #4 THE PERFECT PARTNER SHOULD FEEL LIKE A WARM BLANKET TO SNUGGLE WITH

How do two porcupines make love?

Answer – Very Carefully.

Ya, sometimes you’ll get along beautifully. You have shared values, beliefs and goals in life and enjoy each other’s company. What could we possibly fight about?

Because we ALL are, at times… a porcupine.

Couples, especially new ones, report fighting more in the beginning of a relationship.

Why?

Control.

One has it, the other wants it.

Why?

Vulnerability of trust.

Learning to trust your partner with crucial issues is probably the biggest struggle in two adults. You realize this is a long-term deal and therefore, anything that gets established now, must forever be that way.

Not true. Things change. YOU will change, you both will! Compromises you make now for greater gains later will be negotiated, the rules will soften, there will be life changes and circumstances that make things just, well, less important.

For example:

After the 911 tragedy of NYC, divorce rates plummeted and stock spiked in companies like Home Depot and Lowes.

Why?

Because on a grand scale, the whole country of America, banned together, stopped their petty bickering and got a massive reset in what’s important.

Family. Health. Community. Sustainable wealth. Good business. Education. Most importantly, LOVE.

Listen, love and partnering in relationships doesn’t have to be hard. Truthfully, and I really mean this, I make it fun and I can show YOU how to also.

Take what you’ve learned here, you have a huge gain in knowing what to expect and how to create the dream relationship that is rewarding and fulfilling.

You’ll have resets. You’ll mess up. It’s okay.

We’ve ALL had failures. Even I, happily married now for 25 years, didn’t start out that way. (you can read my story here if you’re curious – trust me, I’m not that different than you and also struggled with this stuff.)

But I learned. And you will too!

If you don’t want to waste precious time on all those wrong turns and dead-ends, please check out my book, Gorilla Love on Amazon.

Ladies, here’s a free gift – Discover the type of any man.

Guys, you can take the Man Quiz here.

I look forward to hearing your success stories in love and life.

To your Relationship Mastery.

~Angeline Hart

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